He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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