i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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