I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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