we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
