You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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