You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Dicks are not precious.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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