And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
