I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
