You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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