Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
