When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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