there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
