So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
