Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
