I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
