Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
