Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
