Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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