Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
