Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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