please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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