These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
