If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
