My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize