you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize