my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
