We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
