This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
