Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
