Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
