I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
