i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
