Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
