I got chris browned last night
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
