after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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