well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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