Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Randomize
