i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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