Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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