my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
