Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
