I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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