my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
