I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
