I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
