Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
did i walk over a car last night?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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