"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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