If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
