Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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