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I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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