I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
