She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
