So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
