apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
