my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize