don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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