Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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