highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
