____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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