no, he came in my armpit
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you traded sex for a burrito?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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