i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
