All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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