dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Randomize
